Y am I wit u - [awkard] reflection of me?

why am i with you???

you’re so ugly!

you’re skin too black, your head too small n your nose too big!

you’re boring!

I have to tell myself to listen,

to laugh at your jokes!

I have to force myself to show you that love

Love, it should come naturally .. is it not?

When u try to make love to me

I’m fast n furious with excuses

I don’t desire your body, nor your lips on mine!

no matter how hard u try, I am not proud

no matter how hard I try – I don’t want u around

when we go out n about

I’m afraid who will see me

Inside I’m afraid I’ll miss a chance with my true love

while I’m here busy fucking around with u

So why am i with you???

I love the way u provide for me

you’re a father figure to my kids

and someone I can rely on

when you’r near I don’t hav to worry about money and provisions

when you’r here I know that I can feel secure

and that’s y I persevere

is it shallow?

Is it a matter of money or love?

I believe I deserve both!

I can teach myself to love you, but it will take time

at the moment it’s the hardest thing, and I cannot strive

a mans beauty lies not in externals

and I am now tired of little relations that tire

expire within weeks, become stale n turn sour

I’ll end up having fucked with the entire town

yet, I’m starting to realise

the problems’ not with u, instead it’s all in me

my shame for having a marriage that failed

my anger at the husband who never was there

my desperation to be out of this scenario I find myself in

I’ve really messed up, what kind of young man

will wanna up and marry a woman with like this here?

much baggage, desperate 4 marriage, single with 2 kids!

I am wit u becoz u r a safe bet

you can shield me from my shame

and hide my single-ness from the judgement of the others

I don’t wanna be the strong single mother

I am tired of having all this responsibility on my shoulders

in fact I desire a man who’ll allow me the freedom

to be an active mother in the life of my children

there are a few women I know

who’ve had kids and managed to move on – happier

but deep inside it seems I have far too much guilt

I feel they r special - becoz they r “born again”, virtuous, n pure

while I ran to play the games of so called freedom and fun

I listened to the ill advice of ragga artists’ n poet feministas

I shaped myself to be unattached to love, but attached and attracted to sex

Was I FREE or was I DOM?!

now I have a list of past lovers I am ashamed of

men I wouldn’t have courted had I been the me I was two years ago

funny how life changes

how people change

damn right funny how I have changed!!

truth be told I miss that young lady

the one with conviction, no trying, no maybes

she had virtue, freedom and contentment

but came to believe that it was her enslavement

now I see that true being and virtue comes from being true to one’s self

not true to your beliefs

for beliefs change over time

but the true essence of u remains ever the same

so

here I am

two kids n no hubby

big money job but still too much for my shoulders

this work was not meant for a woman alone

so the thought of letting go

scares me more than I care to know

how long will I be single?

how long will I wait for “true love”?

does it even exists?

who’s to say it won’t turn out badly like the others?

Why couldn’t I make it work like my friends Lla and Daa?

They’re still together after all this time

Along with so many of my colleagues, and home-girls

They have challenges too

Why were mine too much trouble?

But now it’s too late what’s done is done

And it pains me more to compare me to everyone else

Y did I bring these kids here just to give them this?

I could’ve seen it comin’ - taken mama’s advice

Anyway, no use regretting, what’s done is done

Yet, still, if I could, just turn back time

I would create a better life

For myself, and for the kids

I don’t understand why they must suffer for this

I hate that I feel so much guilt

I feel so ashamed when it comes to my kids

I hate that I feel so desperate in this

I hate that my life of promise has come down to this!

Damn, I realise I speak as if my life is over

I hate that all my hope n faith n optimism fell over

I fear reality more than my hope can carry me

I fear I have been burnt and now I’m destined to be

Another baby mama, life of drama

That this will be the end of me

I have so much to give

So much I can do

Much loving and living to do

so much I can contribute

To society, community, and the SoulJahs of light

I fear I don’t know the difference between freedom and structure

I fear my fight for freedom has become my destruction

I fear my ideals are too much for the norm

Maybe I’m lost in a fantasy while in reality the world spins along

So y am I with u?

U ease my burden

But I don’t love romantically, hence I am still burdened

The fears, the guilt, the shame, hopelessness

It follows me around, like it will always be mine?

So what am I saying?

I’m stuck in-between places

Between planes and spaces and phases

Independence can be good – just to re-order my life style?

Single parenting is not - though I’ve done it before?

Celibacy seems like a good idea on paper

But I am someone who doubts I can do it in practice

But,

Its time I create a new reality

Most High God, please teach me what this should be

I want to b stable, in love that flows freely

In-between time, about you – I do not know

I really don’t know if my aversion to u

is a true n honest feelin

or a childish reaction,

coz you’re not like I had imagined

security and protection .. natural love in imperfection

... like I saw it in my dreams

you’re not handsome or smooth with ur words

you make pathetic jokes – funny thing is, if u were someone else – I’d laugh with little effort!

I don’t have an attraction to you

I can’t even fake it

I’ve never looked at you and thought “Mmm, that’s impressive”

in fact, I think you‘re too soft, i feel its pathetic

I am ashamed to declare us as “we” in public

but then you do what i believe a man should do

protect and provide

you’re loved by my pikni too

how many men will I introduce them to?

Am I being true or an irresponsible fool?

My kids need stability that much I know

And that is something I can’t provide right now

Not here

Not like this

Not with u.

I’ve made many resolutions to remain isolate n work on me

But this is not how the feminine was suppose to be

She’s wild, and loving and sensual I suppose

But what if her femininity aint feminine at all?

What if it is caged

In shame, guilt and rage?

But what if a man could b d one to free her from all that?

I feel I must attract him metaphysically to me

I feel I must work on the inner me

Away from the many

In the ethers, spiritually

Away from the lovers I have

The lovers that I’m even now too attached to to lose

How will I tell them?

My reasons won’t be good enuff

And maybe they’re not

Even I don’t understand them much!

How much more these poor men naa?!

I am a raging ball of confusion

But maybe being alone will stop this noise

chaotic !!

I hate it – every time I’m living in my head

This noise of thinking uncertainly

Bouncing between this and that fact

Deciding on blue, moving thru purple then back to red

Unknowing. Uncertain. Unquiet

I just need to know who I am

I thought I knew

But that was before d great strides in innergy

Great shifts have occurred inside of me

And I need to know them so that I may live freely

Even now as I ponder I’m too afraid to stand

Too afraid to let go

Too afraid to stay

Too ashamed to leave

Too guilty to stay

Too fearful to go

Too fearful to stay

Goddess, help me!!

Save me from myself

I’m an evolving being ... help me understand

O Papa God, save me

I need Your help!!!