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| Art by : Yin-Yang Drawing - Yin-Yang Fine Art Print - Scarlett Royal via http://fineartamerica.com |
I am due
to birth in a month, I had it all set up in my mind – our new house, children
playing out in the yard with the pets, and my lovely hubby holding the camera
while I free-birth our beautiful baby boy / girl / twins to the world. We all rejoice,
clap hands, and say a thanksgiving prayer before our beautiful life goes on as
usual, only now we’re a family of 5.
“Err, no!”
says the Universe.
My hubby
has been overseas, in the Caribbean, on business for much of my pregnancy. Being
a woman I been on him to get his visa ready since July already, and he, being a
man, would say to me “nah don’t worry babe, I will be there”. Well, he mightn’t
be! He is not a resident of South Africa or Jamaica, so no embassy is willing
to assign him even a transit visa. Looks like he is NOT going to make it after
all. Poof goes my fantasy!
I feel
angry, I wanna cry – I do in fact. I tell him I told him! I’m thinking about my
current situation - staying with my mama, there is no space for the kids and I as
it is! Where are the kids going to sleep? Kicking them out of the bed for a
baby might give them feelings of loss and jealousy? My mother is a medical
professional, I fear she might feel a need to turn my beautiful free-birth into
an emergency, sending me all this crippling fear-anxiety-stress-tension energy that
I felt at my first medically assisted birth, and avoided at my second free
birth. My mind’s racing in a 1000 different directions, but I know if I am to
get through this, I can’t focus on any of that. So, what do I focus on?
I wanted
to go all out, calling people who might know people who know people with
connections. Put pressure on them to make sure my beau is here for me, for us,
but then I thought, “Why”? Really!
Is “doing
something about it” really going to help with anything? I mean I already have 2
good, strong men going all out trying to make sure I am not alone at the time
of birth, so why am I doubting them, doubting the situation, doubting God(dess)?
Maybe I think I’ll do a better job? Am I still seeking masculine solutions to
satiate my Feminine? I need spiritual solutions! I need peace, intuition,
imagination, optimism, trance and ritual, power.
I know
that to many, and in the recesses of my own conditioned mind, I compare this to
people who would rather pray in church instead of going out there and “doing
something about it”. But who says I am not “doing something about it”?! If I call
and ball and do all of this, it will just lead to a case of "too many
chefs in the kitchen", because, as I’ve mentioned, 2 competent men are
already on top of it trying their very best to resolve this.
I need to
play a different role if I am to be of any assistance, of any value here. Why replicate
the Masculine effort when I know for fact that the Yang doesn’t function on its
own?
What I
need, what we need, is some Feminine
awakening, some juju and Yin magic. Some hope, trust and faith, assistance from
the Higher Power.
Today
being Friday, I decide the River, the resting place of Mama Oshun, is the place
to go. And I am realising, I AM "doing something about it", in fact, I
am doing a lot about it! Even Science has proven that all reality is energy,
and that we can shift this energy / reality with the Feminine arts.
I choose to
re-member the Feminine essence in all things, people and events. I choose to
use it as my Yin mind, body emotions and spirit are equipped to do. I choose to
recall that although Masculinity, Yang and external action are sacred, important
and necessary, so are the subtler, mysterious, more magical sides to Creation.
This is the place the Goddess governs, the place where my female nature gives
me great advantage!
So, I pray,
I visualize the greatest outcome for all of us, I collect oranges and honey for
Mama Oshun, for myself!
I create
the greatest life for us in my psychic, spiritual womb.
And you
know what, even if I birth without him there, so what?! Yemaya Auset will be
there, HetHru Oshun will be there, Maat and Sekert and all the Mothers who have
birthed before me will be there, "woman’s intuition" will be there!
So why should any of this threaten or disturb my peace?! It doesn’t make sense
and I am done blaming the Masculine for it!!
Breathe, I
am peaceful
Now,
please excuse me ... I’ve got an appointment by the River...
